My island and other updates...

Well, I've got so many updates that I'm not sure where to start.

First, Mommy said that Aunt Stacey and Miran-duh-duh talked about me at her J-O-B.  That's fine.  Little Miss Miran-duh-duh can help me out a little bit by sending me her address.  I'm shipping Stinky Saydie to her, first.  I hope she likes poop smell, cause I'm about tired of Saydie smelling one big giant terd.

Then, Mommy said Aunt Stacey was bringing me a special gift because I voted her off my island.  First, she brought CAKE!  It was my FAVORITE!  Then, she brought these treats.  I'm not sure they are my favorite.  They stink and I'm glad she wasn't planning on using them as a bargaining chip to get her place on my island back.  However, even though they stink, I'm going to feed them to BFD in hopes that BFD will eat those instead of my favorite treats (which is everything else in the house...).  Well, then Mommy cheated and told her that turkey was a sure fire way to get her spot on the island back.  Well....I have to admit.  Turkey is my favoritestestestest treat in the whole wide home of Abigail.  I was also told that christmas treats have been held ransom until I give Aunt Stacey a spot back on the island. 

Daddy told Grammy that Aunt Stacey and me and Mommy have a little feud going on about the island stuff, so let me set the record straight here.

Aunt Stacey, I'm not ready to completely let you back on the island FULLY, BUT...I have a proposal for you.  For now, I'm going to give you a shoebox and you can sit on that on the beach of the island.  If you're nice to me (and don't withhold Christmas treats), I'll let you move further back in the island.  Okay okay...just kidding...

You can have your torch back! 

But, I think I'm going to have to kick someone else off my island cause it's getting crowded and I'm too pretty to be crowded.

I've got more stories to tell this week, like Daddy sharing chicken with us, Mommy sharing steak, and so many others...but for now.. I had to update you all to let you know about Aunt Stacey.  I guess if she screws up anymore, I can feed her to BFD and let BFD and her sleep on the same island!

Oh, and Miran-duh-duh...I'm still waiting for you to take Stupid Saydie.  What's wrong with you?  Don't you want this retarded dog?

Aunt Stacey and her workplace...

Mommy tells me what Aunt Stacey works with a bunch of cats.  I know that's not true because Aunt Stacey doesn't smell like cats when we see her.  I don't know what Mommy is trying to say.  She tried to tell me that girls are "catty," but that's just lame and doesn't make sense.  I think Mommy is retarded in the head or something.

Mommy talked to Aunt Stacey this morning and Mommy told me that Aunt Stacey isn't voting for lobster because I voted her off my island.  I don't really care anyway.  I'm more special than Aunt Stacey's vote, no matter what she thinks.  Cause I'm a PRINCESS!  Aunt Stacey might be bringing me something special tonight Mommy said, so if she does, I'll give her a hut back on the sand of my island.

Mommy said that Aunt Stacey works with a bunch of girls and I've got a MASTER PLAN!  There are three other mutts in this house that need homes.  I'm going to pack their pee pads, their crunchies, and their food bowls and ship them to Aunt Stacey.  That way, her cats that she works with can take care of Prissy Pene, Whiney Winnie, and Sour Saydie.  Then, I'll have my humans all to myself again and life will be good. And someone should tell Saydie she can't take ANY toys cause I've licked them all and got my scent all over them now!  Mommy said there's a girl named Miranda at Aunt Stacey's work.  I wonder if her mommy didn't like her making her name hard to spell for me?  I bet Miranda is a good match for BFD.  I bet Miranda would LOVE to have BFD as a pet.  I'm going to get rid of BFD this weekend.  I don't like her.  Miranda, please send your address...

Anyway, Daddy put some collages of us together for his friend at work and I'd like to share them with you.  Daddy was a big fat meanie and made me the pig.  He should have put that outfit on Penelope....

I'm moving out...

Mommy is a big fat meanie.  She did NOTHING to rescue me this morning when Stupid Sour Smelly Saydie and Poopy Pene Pasta were beating me up this morning.  I had to fight off not one "smelly, deformed, one eyeballed, freak," but TWO.  Both Sour Saydie and the Pee Machine were all over this morning trying to bite my feet. 

These little anklebiters are no fun to play with.  I can usually sit on Pene (as you'll see below) and get her to stop acting like a giant blonde spaz, but when Smelly Saydie joins in, it's more difficult.  Saydie tried to play the sweet little girl this morning, but eventually, her true colors showed up and she was being a brat as always.  I keep trying to tell Mommy and Daddy that we should use her as spices to help soften the lobster up for Christmas. 

Last night, Mommy and Daddy prayed together again and this time, Daddy said he was thankful for ME because I wanted to eat Winnie.  I knew it!  Daddy is so super proud of me.  And even if I misheard him, that's what I'm believing because my Daddy rocks and I know that's what he MEANT to say.  He told me the other day he doesn't like Winnie either.  Daddy says I'm the favored one around the roost!

Mommy on the other hand is too brainless to have these types of conversations with.  Mommy is like arguing with a brick wall sometimes.  She's kinda dense and when she hears me talking to her she just has this glazed over look in her eyes.

Mommy came home last night and was talking about the wedding plans again.  I'm serious about running away.  I hope Daddy is prepared for that.  Cause I know Mommy won't be around to stop me!  Daddy better not give me to those little rugrats because I'll take off with them!  Mommy said we have to get our flea medicine a week before so we don't get bit up my mosquitoes.  I think she needs to give Daddy some of that too...

Anyway, here are the pictures the security camera caught this morning!  I'm keeping them for blackmail!

 Here I am victorious over stupid Pene. 

 This is stupid Pene and Saydie not playing fair and pinning me down...

 Saydie looking pretty as I tumped Pene over.  (And yes, Daddy...tump is a word...Mommy said to click HERE and see...)

Got Lobster?

Mommy and Daddy have let me in on a little secret!  I wasn't going to spill the beans, but I'm so excited about it that I simply can't stand it anymore!  So, guess what?

WE'RE HAVING LOBSTER FOR CHRISTMAS!

Mommy and Daddy ESPN'ed me in their dreams last night and told me this secret.  I was so excited that I couldn't contain myself.  I heard lobster was so delicious and yummy that I've been waiting for YEARS to try it! 

I also heard a rumor that the fatter and older the lobster gets, the more delicate tasting it is.  If that's the case, then our lobster for Christmas should be absolutely amazing.  I know the lobster that we're going to cook is going to be fatty and pretty red in color and it will be aged quite nicely.

Now, I know the other dogs probably won't agree, but I'm going to work on getting more votes for our lobster dinner.  Perhaps if I show them our lobster, they will all agree....

BFD smells like pee....

I am officially top dog around here and Mommy and Daddy are fully aware of my sneaky copy cat capabilities. 

Winnie is a smelly dog.  No matter how many times Mommy and Daddy bathe her, she smells like pee.  I've tried to tell Mommy that before but no one EVER listens to me.  I've realized that Winnie does something that Mommy and Daddy like.  Now that I've mastered the art of learning how to behave like BFD, I can fully appreciate this photo.

Winnie always lays on her back and I've decided to take a picture of how stupid she looks.  Mommy let me borrow her super stealth camera and I managed to take a quick peek of how Winnie looks.  Now, if you'll notice, the doggy in this picture is actually ME!  You know why?  Because I'm GORGEOUS and SEXY and HAWT!  Mommy and Daddy know this because I've got pretty white fur and I've got a beautiful pink belly that shows through.  Who can't love the face of this angel? 

Oh, and you know what else makes me better than BFD?  I don't smell like a dried up old PEE RAG!  Winnie stinks.  Seriously.

Mommy has another picture of BFD sleeping with her in the bed, but I have to save that photo for tomorrow's episode.  I have a very funny story to tell you.

Oh, and Mommy and Daddy informed us we are all getting our names changed.  We are all now "Urbans."  I'm not sure what an Urban is, but I heard he's a country singer.  Does that mean we're going to get lost now since that's all country music talks about?  (Tee hee...)

Mommy and Daddy FINALLY got married and I heard we're going to have a formal wedding in a few weeks.  I guess this is an important day because Mommy has been working on my "come, stop" commands since I'm going to be carrying the rings.  Little does she know...I'm planning a get away.  Winnie and Saydie stink and I'm running away.

 

Pumpkins and scary things...

Daddy is mean. I don't like him anymore. Daddy bought these big fat orange round things that looked more like Mommy's head and put them in our yard. I tried to text Mommy but Daddy was being a big dummy and wouldn't let me on his fancy phone.

I was very adamant that looked like a dried up versions of Mommy's head were repulsive and the kids in the neighborhood would just smash them anyway. Daddy doesn't EVER listen to me. I talk and talk and talk until I'm pink in the fur and Daddy just IGNORES me.

Well, I've decided that when Daddy isn't looking, I'm going to karate chop those things right into our neighbors yard. I'm good at karate chopping too. I've been practicing on Stupid Sour Saydie's big fat one-eyed head.

ANYWAY, after all that drama yesterday, Mommy came home and bought her some new boots. She must have been mad because they have spikey heels and they look more like something Mommy might be able to squish Winnie's pimples with. Winnie is gross and has these bumps on her back. I think it's cause she's a dirty rotten dog. Well, Daddy had gone to the store (and I'm still real annoyed with him for not taking me, too) and bought these pictures. They were SCARY! So scary, in fact...that I had to do like extra praying for Daddy cause I knew Mommy was gonna rip him a giant new one when she saw them. Daddy hung them right by the door when you walk in and Mommy literally pooped a big heifer cow. It was funny. Mommy is dramatic and started talking about how those were devil pictures and how she was scared of them and she didn't want them in her house. She told Daddy she was going to paint giant crosses all over them. I think Mommy's lost her stupid marbles - but I'm sure you all knew that anyway.

So, after all the drama unfolded yesterday with Daddy buying those big orange things in our yard, Daddy MADE ME take a picture. I laughed at him because Mommy said I looked like I got into trouble in the picture. I was MAD at Daddy. You know, as much as I protest about getting my picture taken by Mommy, you'd think Daddy would learn. Let him go take pictures of Big Fat Dog. If he's lucky, he can get her paw in there. She's so fat she beeps when she walks. True story.

Oh, and Aunt Stacey - you didn't bring me cake or new toys like I said.  I'm voting you off my island, too.  You're not allowed to come over at Doggy Halloween - Pene and I voted.  At least until we get treats.  

So, I'm showing you the picture of the big orange things that look like Mommy's head. I think I'll doctor up the picture too and post my edited version instead!!!