Locking down the food...

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful white doggy on the side of the road that was getting human handled by a 3 year old girl. Soon, I saw my forever Mommy and Daddy and they came to pick me up and love me forever! I came home to my very awesome home where I had plenty of toys, food, and lots of love and kisses and treats. I lived this way for about a year before we adopted my sister, Penelope. At first, she smelled really bad and she had only one eye. But after time, I learned to love her like one of my very own, even though she was much older than I was. I heard she had lots of babies and was always kept in a cage. I felt really sorry for her, so I loved on her a lot and we became really close. I shared everything with her.

Then, we adopted the other two smelly rats and everything changed. I get really stressed out now. My life is so exhausting. I'm the most prettiest doggy in the house. All of these "rescues" (as Mommy and Daddy call them) came into my house shaved. I've never been shaved, except when Daddy cuts pantaloons into my bottom cause I poop on myself. My hair is beautiful, thick, and soft. I think my hair is falling out these days though. I have to spend so much time watching my food from the other hogs in the house that I'm always so stressed out that I won't get any food at all!

Mommy and Daddy used to say that the reason the other girls ate so much was because they weren't sure when they were going to get their next meal. I used to make sure to save my food for when I wanted to eat it, but here lately, I have to guard it extra close. I'm soooo exhausted! Sometimes, I look over at Pene and all I want to do is sleep, but she's got a crazy long tongue and I'm so afraid she will sneak a bite when I'm not looking.

I think I need to put an Abbie lock on the food. I really need to rest and I'm so tired of guarding it. My security camera caught this picture of me. I was trying so hard not to fall asleep and guard my food...but I'm soooo....sleepy.....

Aunt Stacey's Birthday - and no cake...

I'm really irritated. I want you to know that. Normally, when there's birthdays around here, I get cake. I've gotten it every year and for some reason, Aunt Stacey thinks that because she lives somewhere other than my house, she's entitled to skip out on my cake. Well, I've got a fresh Doggy Law for you, Aunt Stacey. YOU. ARE. WRONG! Aside from me needing to be fed and celebrate your birthday with you in true doggy fashion, Mommy is losing a few pounds and I'm afraid if we don't fatten her back up, we might actually have to look harder for her in the house. Right now, it's so easy to find her. We just listen for the beeping... *snicker*

Mommy is being SO annoying today, too. She was trying to get pictures today and rather than being a COOL Mommy, she got us FAKE balloons for Aunt Stacey's stupid birthday. She took a picture of us, then put it on her computer, then let her screen saver activate and then took a picture of a picture. (P.S. Mommy said you can click on the pictures to make them bigger and read the text if you're eyeballs are as old as you are now!)



Mommy - you are L-A-M-E! Aunt Stacey told me tell you that your idea is dumb and you're not very bright for being the oldest.

Well, we were made to take photos anyway...so I took it upon myself to add some doggy-righteous captions to them. BFD's picture was actually kinda pretty, so I was nice to her. Stupid Sorry Smelly Saydie is just too dumb to take pictures. That's okay though. I don't like her. She got her stupid slobber all over my sheep and I'm mad at her. Perhaps me farting on it will deter her.

Anyway, Mommy's group photo efforts have to be uploaded. You'll understand why I hate photo day so much.












Oh, and Aunt Stacey - we really do wish you happy birthday. But, next time you come...we expect cake, and I want a new toy with a fresh squeaker. I'm holding one of the rugrats ransom next time I see you if I don't get it...

Love, Hugs, and Princess Kisses...

Abigail

Saydie is a fat cow...

Yesterday, I decided that I love Daddy more than Mommy. Daddy spent more time with us yesterday, so I'm voting Mommy off my island now. Mommy is spending entirely too much time away from me by banning me in the bedroom cause of Stupid Saydie. It's not MY fault she's got a retarded stomach.

While Daddy was home yesterday evening slaving over the house, he was talking to Grammy. I remember Grammy. I bit her finger once when she tried to take my bone out of my house. I tried to tell her I was STARVING! She didn't listen, so I had to remind her that I was boss of my house. Course, Mommy and Daddy were very unhappy with me after that and I got in big fat trouble. Grammy thought I bit her finger off. I can't bite fingers off. That's Winnie's job.

Stupid Saydie is a big fat cow, too. She figured out how to get under the stool that Daddy has blocking us off. She's as mean as stupid Winnie is. Winnie didn't move the gate for me last time and now Saydie is doing the same thing!!! It's NOT FAIR! Why do I have to always be behind the gate?

Pene was sleeping in Mommy's arms the other day and Mommy got a picture of her. I think she was just trying to pretend like she was sleeping cause Mommy adores her when she snores. I know this cause she was opening her eyeball at me every now and then and winking at me. (It's still winking, if you have only one eye...)

Anyway, here's a photo!

Punished for things not my fault...

Well, first...I have to tell you...Mommy learned her lesson. Saturday, Mommy and Daddy went to the game and Mommy looked all kinds of cute. Daddy tied pretty bows in her hair for the rugrats football games and her shirt matched the bows. Mommy said she was showing team spirit. I'm not sure what that is, but it sounds like it might smell funny. Mommy always stinks after she comes home from a game and since Daddy says her stink smells like perfume, I'm the one who has to be honest and tell Mommy she smells like poop.

Mommy and Daddy came home much later than normal Saturday night. They told us they went to eat (GASP) and that the game went into sudden death overtime. First, anything that goes into death for kids is probably bad. Mommy and I need to have a talk about that. Second, I'm really pissed at Daddy for not bringing ME home any treats from eating. I mean, we were hungry too!!!

Mommy was all red when she came home and somehow, we got punished. We weren't allowed to sleep on the bed because Daddy told me Mommy was burned. Mommy was not burned. Mommy was a little pink, but her skin was not black like the grill when things get burned on it. I think Daddy is just trying to keep Pene's Peebutt off the bed.

Well, Monday, Mommy stayed home and I was made to sleep on the floor. I didnt think it was fair. Mommy slept on the couch all day and complained about her sunburn. We weren't allowed to move around very much cause Mommy was super whiny about her "burn." Well, Princess Pene Pasta (spoiled little brat that she is) got to lay on doggy couch ALL DAY and sleep. I took a picture of her on it.



Then, LAST NIGHT...you will never guess what happened! We ALL got to sleep in the bathroom ALL NIGHT! I'm blaming Saydie for this because thanks to her poopy butt (as usual), we all are no longer allowed to sleep with our family because Saydie can't control what comes out of her hole. We have pee pads, but Saydie likes the carpet and Daddy laid down the doggy law for all of us because of Stupid Saydie.

Anyway, Mommy is at work today and we're stuck in the kitchen. Mommy said she's gonna get some fiber for Saydie to harden up her poop. I'm gonna laugh when that happens. Saydie is disgusting and I'm starting a petition that she gets removed from the house. Besides, she acts like a cat anyway.

Winnie...the troublemaker

Mommy has had some laziness issues lately. Last night, she was especially gripey because Daddy turned off True Blood after only the very first few minutes of the introduction to the Season Finale. He told her to go to bed. She whined about it (I guess cause she knows that works for us...) and then finally went to sleep. Mommy is cranky when she's tired though, so we appreciated Daddy fussing at her.

Well, this morning...we woke up extra early at 4:30 because Daddy was roaming around the bedroom and trying to get ready for work. Well, Daddy left close to 6 this morning and Mommy curled up on the couch with BFD. BFD was shaking this morning acting all cold, but eventually she went to sleep on Mommy's tummy. Stupid Saydie was asleep in her cage. I won't go back in there cause she barfed in it and smells like her now, even though Daddy washed the sheets. Poor Pene was asleep on the floor next to Mommy too.

Eventually, Mommy decided to wake up and get ready. Well, she let us outside and BFD was actually GOOD! She found a dog by my fence and we charged it and barked and barked. Mommy was so mad that she came out there and picked up BFD and took her inside. Then she came outside and got me. I was muddy and Mommy was TICKED. She was fussing about my pretty white hair. (Secretly, I just wanted a bath like Sour Saydie and Poor Pene got...)

Anyway, Mommy locked us in the kitchen then, but Winnie told me she wasn't having any part of it. Here's how the conversation went down!

Winnie: Where's Daddy?
Me: You're fat.
Winnie: Where's Daddy?
Me: You're still fat.
Winnie: Where's Daddy?
Me: ~sigh~ You're not very smart.
Winnie: I hear someone in the other room.
Me: Yeah, dummy. That's Mommy. She's getting ready to leave us.
Winnie: I'm gonna go get her.

Abbie gets a look of horror on her face as she notices the big scary gate in front of Winnie.

Me: If you touch that gate, it will eat you.
Winnie: Now who's not very smart?

Loud panting is heard from the bathroom. Mommy looks down and Winnie is lapping up some water from the bowl.

Mommy: Hey!!! How did you get out? Oh crap. Who else got out? YOU GIRLS BETTER NOT HAVE PEED ANYWHERE!
Me: Oh great, Winnie is gonna get us in trouble.

Mommy comes in with Winnie under her arm and places her back in the kitchen and places a chair against the outside of the gate to hold it against the wall.

Me: Not only are you fat, but you're gonna get us in trouble. Way to go, BFD.
Winnie: ~looks at Abbie~
Me: What?
Winnie: I'm going back in there.
Me: You're gonna get us in trouble.
Winnie: So?
Me: So? My treats is so!
Winnie: ~nudges the gate and wiggles out~
Me: You can barely fit through there, you fat butt. Could you at least move it so I can get out too??
Winnie: You want out, you go through the gate.
Me: You're delusional.
Winnie: I don't even know what that word means.

Panting is heard and Mommy comes around the corner.

Mommy: What the? How did you get out?
Winnie: ~pants excitedly~
Me: ~meerkats~ Mommy! She's doing it all by herself! I'm not touching it!

Mommy puts Winnie back in the kitchen. She puts a table on the other side of the gate.

Winnie: I'm not staying in here, Mommy.
Mommy: Stay put.

Mommy walks into the bedroom and hears a banging noise.

Me: Mommy is gonna come in here and see you banging your head into the gate and moving it and she's gonna make it where you can't move it. At least stop showing her how you're doing it!
Winnie: You're the dumbest dog ever. You probably used to be blonde, but all your brain cells faded and you went white.
Me: ~gasp~ Well, I NEVER....
Winnie: Stop trying to pretend you're all nice. You're the meanest one in the house you fat white bird.
Me: ~growl~
Winnie: ~wiggles through the gate again and runs to Mommy~

Mommy: WINNIE! I have to go to work. What are you doing, dog!?
Winnie: Mommy, where's Daddy?

Mommy puts BFD back in the kitchen. She walks back to the bedroom and comes back with the fan and places it on the opposite side of the gate.

Mommy: I'm calling Daddy and telling him if you open the gate, I'm not to blame.

Mommy takes a quick picture of BFD peering through the gate.

Mommy: Bye girls...

Okay, and on that note, here's that picture of her moving the gate again when Mommy caught her! Winnie is like majorly dumb. Mommy and Daddy will see that one of these days...

The Princess Froggie

I'm so SICK of sharing my toys with Stupid Saydie. Daddy is a big mean dumb dumb and encourages Smelly Saydie to play with my toys and I DON'T LIKE IT! Mommy came home one day and brought ME a new pink princess frog. I love that princess frog and Sorry Saydie keeps sinking her smelly mouth into it and now my pink princess frog smells like Sour Saydie. Saydie stinks. And I don't like her stink on my toys. It's not fair! They are mine and I was here first!

Daddy came home looking weird last night. He has some new eyeballs after he broke his yesterday and so he sat down to play with us for a while. I guess he had to get used to seeing my pretty fur in high definition. He must have been missing out on how pretty I was. Mommy was obsessing over his glasses saying how nice he looked and how much she liked his glasses...but I think Mommy was just fishing for a reason to get Daddy to spend time with her. She tells me all the time that she hates having to do homework and she wishes she and Daddy could just spend time together hanging out not having to do homework. (Mommy's not very smart anyway...she says mean thing to the laptop when she's doing her statistics.)

Mommy caught a picture of Psycho Saydie as she was trying to take my princess frog. I was NOT happy. It's got Saydie Slobber all over it now and I've got to figure out how to get that off. I can't let Mommy have it because she tries to wash my toys sometimes and I get upset when the squeakers don't work. Mimaw was really nice and put a new squeaker in my poodle for me, but now she's telling me if it ever gets messed up again she won't fix it. I bet I can look at her with my big beautiful eyes and she'll fix it!

Anyway, the last picture Mommy got was of me so happy I got my princess frog back. I was so delighted that I actually gave Mommy a big smile for the camera! So here's the pictures I was telling you about!

For now, I need to go and check on Pene. She has been acting extra spoiled and I think she's planning to get extra treats because she's only got eye and her hip is misplaced.

Pene Pasta and the misplaced hip...

Pene has been extra special lately. And by special, I mean S-p-e-c-i-a-l with a capital S.

A long time ago, when we first brought muttley home, we knew she was special. Her little bouncy walk, her weird underbite, and her yappy little bark. Not to mention, dorkmutt only has one eye. Shortly after bringing her home, Mommy went to pick her up and blondie started yelping and acting all crazy like. I think Mommy got upset because they took her somewhere and when she came back, she smelled like the vets office and she was all drugged up and not moving.

(Don't tell her this, but I was scared for her. I spent days by her side trying to figure out what was wrong, but she was on all sorts of medicine and couldn't tell me.)

The last few days, Pene has gone back to being extra yelpy. She's been crying a lot. Yesterday, Mommy picked her up and you'd think Mommy killed her. She was crying and whining and wouldn't let anyone touch her. Daddy jumped in the bedroom to help her and calm her down and I think I heard Mommy and Daddy say something about her hip displacement acting up? I think Mommy said hip dysplacia, but that can't be right. It had to be displacement. Dysplacia isn't even a word! (Stupid humans.)

Anyway, Mommy and Daddy gave Pene some doggy advil to stop the inflammation and some xanax to calm her down and make her sleep. Well, that stuff must have worked because she was alone in Daddy's room all by herself all day and none of us were allowed in there! Why in the world were WE punished?

Mommy has been looking at hip replacement pictures too. I bet Mommy is gonna turn pasta girl into a robot. I need to warn her. Pretty soon, I'll come home to robodog!

Anyway, I don't do this very often, but please keep Pene Pasta in your thoughts. I know she doesn't feel good and Mommy and Daddy don't want her to have surgery. For now, though...I'll just have to make sure to eat her food so she doesn't put extra weight on her misplaced hip.

Mr. Lamb

These past few days have been absolutely crazy in the Abbie household. I had a major episode with Mr. Lamb and Mommy almost took him away from me. Mommy said Mimaw called her and voiced her opinion on why she's always on the poop list on my blog. Mommy asked that I address that...so let me be very clear here.

Mimaw...YOU LEFT ME.

Okay, now that we've gotten that out of the way...

Pene is hurting. Mommy won't let us in the same room with her. Mommy said something about her crying a lot and maybe having to take her to the doctor. They gave her some Xanax and some Doggy Advil, but I think she's just being needy. I'll go kick her later.

Now, on to the story about Mr. Lamb.

The other night, Mommy was trying to play with Mr. Lamb with me and I had about enough. I finally got him all to myself and Mommy was so upset because I was ripping his innards out.

Well, there's something wrong with Mr. Lamb. He's got like crazy long stringy intestines that smell like bacon. I can't help myself. Mommy says that I treat him like a puppy, but I think she's stupid. I think Mommy doesn't know that I don't have baby making parts. Besides, boys are grody. Who wants to be near them anyway?

So, here's the pictures of me and my Mr. Lamb. Notice that Stupid Saydie isn't in this picture. I had to push her off the bed to leave me and Mr. Lamb alone...

This is the scary Lamb face. Look how he gives me the evil eye. He's freaky and he stares at me, so I have to show him who's boss around here!

Here he is trying to be all cutesy and stand up on my Mommy's side of the bed. That's okay. I figured out his game and quickly brought him down to my level.

Here I am, victorious! Mr. Lamb has been restrained and I am ready to perform surgery on his bacony innards!

Here's me using my sharp little pokers on his guts. Mr. Lamb doesn't stand a chance!

I've gotten a good grip on him! It's only a matter of time before I can rip those stupid little strings out of his body!

VICTORY!!!!! I have a string! And it's all mine! Look at his scared little face! That's right, Mr. Lamb! I'm the BOSS!

Gravy Train!

Mommy RULES! Even though she feels like poop on a stick today, Mommy managed to drag her fat butt out of bed and make us scrambled eggs. We use to get these a lot from Mimaw, but since she abandoned us to live by herself, we have to practically beg to get regular food these days.

Daddy left for work early this morning and we stayed in bed and kept Mommy warm and loved on her. Mommy thinks we have magical powers to take away people germs, but I think it's more just cause Mommy likes the smell of our butts. She makes a crinkly nose sometimes and it makes me giggle. Mommy knows that Pene sticks her head in my butt, so I guess Mommy thinks its okay to lift my tail, too.

Sometimes, Mommy gets real upset with me and picks me up and won't let my tail down when I've made a mess and she takes me to a sink. I don't like it when that happens, but Mommy takes extra special care of me and makes Daddy help.

Anyway, that's enough writing for today. I've got to go help Pene now since she puked under Mommy's chair and Mommy is screaming.